Personal Religion
By art
I started off my journey into ADF having come through a period of eclecticism after deciding that Western ceremonial magick was not working for me. I was rather uncertain if ADF’s practices would work for me, or if any hearth culture was for me. Culture-wise, I had three expectations. The first, was that I found find connection with a Slavic hearth culture, though that is only a component of my ancestry. The second, based off the very first issue of Oak Leaves I received, was that I would not find myself heading in a Vedic direction. I had enjoyed the articles on Vedic religion in that Oak Leaves issue, but did not feel any attraction or repulsion to the culture itself. The third, based upon my wanderings online, was that it wouldn’t be a Norse hearth culture. I had read Asatru writings that repulsed me, and by association the entire hearth culture did.
So, as detailed elsewhere, I elected to start regular practice and see where it led. I used Ian Corrigan’s Simple Devotional to start, since it was comparatively culture-neutral and allowed me to make forward progress without being a skilled liturgist at the start. Per the mental discipline essay, I performed it every day. A few months in, I began to feel something sometimes. Something female and sexual, overwhelming. I was doubtful, but continued, and the presence increased, gaining substance in my mind’s eye. A woman, clad in a loose, deep blue garment, with blonde hair. I asked her if she was Freyja, and she laughed, and told me to do more research.
I wasn’t certain how to take that response: was I on-target but needed to be certain for myself, or well off the mark? So I read up on goddesses, with an eye toward Freyja yet looking for other possibilities. The combination of the appearance and the behavior did not line up well for me with goddesses from other cultures. I dug through older bits from the Eddas and modern views of Freyja. I noted that light blue was commonly associated with Frigga in modern times, but Frigga’s sexuality was not quite so over the top. As for Freyja’s colors, there was not much agreement among modern commentators…but the sexual aspects were definitely present. Another interesting association popped up: in Hyndla’s Lay, Ottar is transformed into a boar by Freyja, and my brother for a time took to calling me “pig” in a friendly sense and giving me gifts involving boars.
More certain, I asked again if She was Freyja, and she said yes. So I requested proof, and was told “Book V, p. 191.” I was at a loss for what that meant, but wrote it down. I spent some time looking through volumes in my library the next morning – not many of which have a fifth book with 191 as a page number in it, and then poked at it online before realizing I was trying to search on “Book Five” when the mental impression I had received was “Book V”. So I put “Book V” “p. 191” into Google and the first result at that time was a link to Eusebius of Caesarea: Praeparatio Evangelica, and in Book V, p. 191 I found discussion of how the pagan gods and goddesses are inclined to sexual delights involving their worshippers. I realized that it had been given that way to me, because my own tendencies had been understood, and that I had identified Freyja.
This left me with my original bias against the Norse hearth culture. This bias had weakened in part due to the research online to find modern commentators on Freyja, but was still present. I joined the Kin of Fire and Ice’s email list, and read through the archives. What I found was that embracing a hearth culture did not require me to fully embrace everything said by those sharing it. This review began to give me new insights into how everything fit together.
Afterwards, I found myself encountering others among the \Aesir and Vanir, but never quite latching on to any one of them. Thor and Heimdall seemed to have certain plans for me; Frey came by way of acquaintance. Odin and Frigg seemed present at times, but I was not particularly their concern. I offered to Njord, and sometimes received some response, but it never took on a primary character. While performing Tarot divination for myself, I asked if Freyja was my patron, and drew a card. The response was the 10 of discs, Prosperity, which I read as a yes.
But in the intervening time, how did my own religious practices continue? For a time I continued the Simple Devotional, then prepared an adaptation that I felt was more Norse in character. I would like to say it was successful, but I believe it was merely a rough veneer over the original that simply did not flow as well, weakening my sense of connection. Since then I have developed a devotional prayer to Freyja and worked on a better “long devotional” – a short devotional being merely quick words of offering or a prayer.
Each step brings me further along, but in the end a hearth culture isn’t something you travel to, it’s something you take into yourself. I cut my fingernails more carefully, not wanting to contribute to Naglfari. I wrote a group brewing rite for Trillium, in which the process of brewing was likened to putting Fire into Water, recalling the Fire and Ice making the world in the Eddas. I am even more circumspect in my promises than I was before. Perhaps more personally, I am intimately aware of the sexual aspect of the divine, in a way that never made sense to me as the Four Kabbalistic worlds.